Curvy Files: Finding My Style

As a teen, I loved fashion. I can honestly say that my teen years were my most creative. It was during that time that I took risk and tried new things. I was bold with color and created outfit combinations that showcased my unique voice. At the time, I didn’t realize that I was doing any of this. I was simply picking the things that I loved and hoping that I looked cool. Some were winners, like my gorgeous lace and ivory prom gown. Then there were my interesting graphic t’s, never ending supply of super flair legged jeans, and my multi-color tops that were simply described by my mother as “loud as all outdoors.” Good or bad, I took chances and enjoyed dressing my curvy body. 

Flash forward quite a few years and this is no longer the case. Where fashion in my teens and twenties was all about expression. Fashion in my thirties has become all about necessity. Like most in their mid-thirties, I’ve stopped prioritizing myself in some ways to give space, time, and money to other things in my life. Family, career, and all the matters of life took precedence over buying a well-curated outfit. In my mind, using any time and resource on myself seemed frivolous. I felt that giving the energy I would use for myself could be better used for everyone and everything else. It’s a silly notion and one I’m trying to combat, but it’s hard. Having a ‘them before me mentality’ makes me view buying clothes as a function vs. fashion line in the sand. I’m more likely to buy something that can have multiple functions. Why buy that expensive dress when I can buy a t-shirt and a pair of leggings that can act as workout clothes, casual wear, and sleeping attire all in one? I treated getting dressed like men treat their body wash selection—all in one will get it done. This isn’t the purpose of fashion. Plus, wanting to express myself through a nice outfit or clothing piece isn’t selfish. Yet, I somehow let ' “mom guilt” push me into believing this lie. I would tell myself this isn’t your time anymore. Those days are far behind you. In short, put on your athleisure and shut up.

Another reason for my function vs. fashion choices is my weight. I’m about a size 16/18 depending on the cut. I’ve bounced between a size twelve to eighteen most of my adult life. In the past few years, I haven’t had the best relationship with my body. I’m not as toned as I once was. Yeah, I’ve always been a bigger girl, but I was tight. After having a child, making not so great eating choices, and getting older, my body has changed drastically. So when I go to the dressing room and the outfit doesn’t make me feel good on the first try, I lose motivation. Out of fear of looking stupid or gross, I pick things that are safe and don’t beg for attention. The art of blending into the crowd is usually what I go for in my style choices. I want enough to be present in the moment, but not enough to stand out and take the stage. I would tell myself that I would really dress my body up when it was smaller. Until then, this was good enough.

This all came to a head last August. I was shopping with my daughter for school clothes when she picked out a black jean skirt that buttoned down the front. As she came out of the dressing room to model her choice, I was overcome with nostalgia. I remembered having a similar skirt in white. I begged my mother to buy it because it reminded me of something from Clueless. My goal in life at that point was to look like the cast from Clueless or all the girls in my Teen magazine. Yes, I just dated myself. My mom bought it and I wore it all the time. It was my first real jump into styling myself and not just putting on clothes for their function. It was also my first steps in using clothes to express my personality and not what my mother thought I should look like. Since fashion is cyclical, some of the fun clothes from my youth are coming back into style and my kid was choosing them as her step into self expression. It warmed my heart. However, the joy was short-lived as I wondered why I no longer loved fashion like I did when these clothes were first in style. Why wasn’t I loving fashion as much as I was when I owned twenty pairs of flared legged jeans and way too many chunky heels?

It would be easy to say the answer is:

You grew up. 

You’re a mother now. 

You’re older now. 

At one point, I was a teacher, so I needed more professional clothes. 

You’re body isn’t the same as it once was. 

There is no real reason to spend time on something as frivolous as getting dressed up. 

Though these things are true (except the last one) none of them are really the answer. The actual answer is that I stopped showing up for myself. In the bustle of being everything to everyone else, I forgot to take care of myself. It’s not my family’s fault. I have a loving and supportive husband that actually doesn’t mind if I go shopping. Yet, I don’t go because I feel it’s pointless. I feel that I’m wasting money on myself that could go to something else. I feel like I should wait until I’ve lost weight so the clothes will matter more. Long story short, I’m waiting for the right moment and the right body so that I can enjoy life. I’m not excited about fashion anymore because I’m standing still and waiting. Waiting for my mental health to not stop me at every turn. Waiting for things to align just perfectly, to put my big plans in motion. Waiting for this magical version of myself to appear so that I can start all the big plans that run around my head. See, I never stopped loving fashion. I dress every person in my home. I watch YouTube lookbooks and pin outfit inspo on Pinterest that I never use. The love for fashion has never faded, but my passion and confidence in myself is another story. 

So, after 2020 kicked us all in the face and knocked us around, I decided I needed to reevaluate my life. It was time to get serious about my mental health, what I wanted, and my life overall. For me, it’s been so easy to walk around and just do what you have to do. If I have to choose between risky and easy, I will always pick easy first. Easy and safe have guided me along and been my comfort in an unsure world. Yet, it’s the times that I’ve made the not so simple choices that I’ve seen the biggest reward. It’s the times that I did something that scared me to pieces that I felt my strongest. It’s the times that I picked fashion over function I felt the most satisfied. So moving into 2021, that is precisely what I want to do. 

This resolve is bigger than fashion. Yes, looking nice is part of it, but not the whole. I will get to that in a moment. Picking fashion is me picking myself. It’s me deciding that my choices don’t have to be multipurpose, safe, and functional. They can be something that can only benefit me, and that’s okay. After all, if I don’t take care of myself, how can I take care of anyone else? I have to start picking myself, showing up for myself, and challenging myself to do things that feel big and scary. It’s time that I make the bold choices that will put me front and center. It’s with that renewed mindset that I’m starting Vividly Bright. Vividly bright will be a fashion and lifestyle blog that explores all the things I want to experience and learn. I hope this blog will make me step outside of my comfort zone.

 Why fashion? Fashion is fun. I’m far from an expert, but I know what I like, and I can’t wait to dig deeper and learn more. I want a positive place that lets people like me know they can show up for themselves now. You can be brave, beautiful, and stylish right now where you are. No matter the size, financial status, or mindset, you can start loving who you are RIGHT NOW! 

My word of the year is growth. I want to grow in my faith. I want to grow and make my relationships deeper. I want to grow as a person. I also want to help others grow. I want to grow a community that’s ready to get out of the shadows and start living vividly and bright. So, I hope you join me as I go on my fashion and self-love journey. Let’s do this together. It’s time to stop being afraid to live loud and stop waiting. This is the year of showing up for myself. Might as well be fashionable while I’m doing it.